Pregnancy is weird.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. But even though there is an Olympic-level soccer athlete inside my tummy trying to kick its way out, it seems to only be a slice of what I’m focused on right now. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean it like I asked for a slice in my life and God handed me a whole cake.
It just shocks me that a year ago things were so different. I found myself in a place of waiting for everything. It was tough, praying every night before we went to sleep that we would get pregnant and not seeing it happen, praying for the Lord’s army to rush in and spring forward the timeline for the house we had just decided to build. Waiting, waiting, waiting. God was teaching us so much back then and we knew it, but it didn’t make it any easier. The message He made so clear to us was that His timing was perfect.
“Your timing is perfect. And you see all things.”
That was how we ended all of our prayers.
Not a lot of people know that I actually had a miscarriage this year, after seven months of trying to get pregnant and not succeeding. The thing is that I know seven months isn’t a long time to try for a baby, many people have to try for much longer. And I know that miscarriages are extremely common. But it still stung.
I remember driving to the hospital at 3am the night that I woke up with minor contractions and I won’t even begin to tell you about all the red. We had JUST found out we were pregnant too. I was so heartbroken that through my sobs I sang the bridge of a song by Elevation Worship that I had led recently as part of the worship team at my church, “By your Spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat, the resurrecting King, is resurrecting me. In your name I come alive, to declare your victory. The resurrecting King, is resurrecting me.” I sang this because I was trying to bring my baby back to life. I knew that I was losing it and I was trying to bring it back. I was doing the only thing that I was able as my body rejected it, I was worshipping. Jesus, the one who raises the dead back to life, because He was my first and last resort.
The thing was that it finally seemed like we were experiencing some breakthrough. We had finally gotten pregnant. We had finally started to see some forward movement with the property we were purchasing to build a house. But God’s timing really is perfect, even when it doesn’t seem that way. And He sees ALL things. Every corner of our hearts and what we are feeling. He knows every word we speak and every word spoken against us. He knows everything.
Well it was a few weeks after the miscarriage that I started feeling pretty ill. I thought it was just a regular old sickness of some kind. I started falling asleep everywhere too, which really isn’t like me. And then at a family gathering my sister, whom I believe said this by the nudging of the Lord even though she may not have known it, suggested the possibility of me being pregnant. The thing was that I had just gone through the whole miscarriage thing and I didn’t think it was possible for me to be pregnant that fast. But since she said it, I couldn’t just let the thought slide, not after everything. And I’m so grateful that she had the courage to ask the question even though it was probably hard to ask, because it was that same day I buckled and went in to buy a pregnancy test. Oh pregnancy tests. How I loathed them by this point. But as it turned out, I was pregnant! It was shocking. And I was already many weeks into the pregnancy.
Everything was a bit behind schedule, even my first Dr. appointment which is supposed to be around 9 weeks didn’t happen until 12 weeks because before I saw the doctor I had to have an ultrasound to see how far along I was before I could book my first appointment. Then, because of how behind that all was, I missed the ultrasound deadline for screening, which isn’t imperative or anything but still, it was something to chuckle about considering how slow everything seemed to be moving in my life before. Suddenly everything was full throttle, and when my first trimester hit it was a sudden uncoordinated mess of sleeping all the time or barfing all the time. It seemed like in a flash I was right out of the game altogether and couldn’t even function at regular life.
Now instead of everything moving at the speed of a slug, time was getting away from me. I was halfway through my pregnancy before I had even registered completely that I was actually going to have a baby. And a GIRL no less! Suddenly I was sitting on my bed in a state of shock, with all kinds of bizarre thoughts going through my head, “A girl…? Really? I don’t know how to take care of a girl! I only have experience with a boy! I don’t even have any girl clothes, or pink things, or pretty stuff. How am I suppose to raise a girl?”
Well if there is one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that God DOES know how to take care of our children. And our homes. And our good old well being. This has been such an incredible time of growing (spiritually and literally) for me. We have kept to this prayer, “Your timing is perfect, and You see all things” because it has gotten us through the driest parts of the wilderness. The walk was long, hot, dry, and sometimes uncomfortable, but we knew that if we were faithful and trusted in the Lord, He really was going to bring us into the promised land, the place that we just couldn’t see over the dry hills until we crossed them.
But it wasn’t just the baby. Like I said, that is just a slice. An itty-bitty four pound home-slice, to be exact. There was more. There was the house. The home. The place the Lord was preparing for us. God has a funny way of hiding the opportunities until the time is right, even when we are praying for them. Sometimes when we are in the wilderness we look around and don’t see much of anything, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something just behind that next hill, or the next one. Don’t let doubt make you stop walking. You will lose your way and it won’t look good on you. Keep your trust and keep your head on straight, eyes up to Heaven. Or you will quickly start to look like a wild wilderness monster, and you will probably sound like one too.
This whole house process has been an adventure of its own. We bought a property in Shingletown, conveniently just a minute or two from both Phil’s work and our church. But again, there has been so much waiting involved. Waiting is the hardest part, when all we want to do is start building and see progress happening before our eyes. But sometimes the people with the power and permits don’t catch our vision quite the same way and they have a different timeline than we do (Haha, who has had trouble getting permits before? I’m sure there is a city of us.) There were days and nights where I would just be on my knees praying. One day in particular I started marching back and forth in my living room like a manic, and we called in the other pray-ers in our life to start praying with us too. We had three different sets of people who were supposed to show up to turn stuff off before we could even get a demolition permit to remove the old house that was on the land: Water, Gas, and Hydro. The thing is, that each of these groups of people gave us a different timeline of when they would be able to come, all of them claiming it was going to take several weeks to show up – one even claimed it would take them five weeks! This was devastating. Already we had been waiting so long for permission to be able to move forward. Phil had been on the phone with people every day trying to move things along and I had been at home praying. Well on this particular day I really felt the Lord calming my anxious heart. I marched, yes, like a wild wilderness person who wants so desperately to make it to the promised land, and I prayed. I started speaking life into the situation, asking the Spirit of Jesus to come upon every one of those people who needed to come turn stuff off, and I started speaking against confusion and skeptics and division and discouragement, because that was the hardest part to deal with whenever stuff didn’t move fast enough. And surprise, surprise, the next day water and hydro both showed up to shut stuff off, not on schedule, but WAY ahead of their schedule and long before they said they would. It was just a random fluke that they “stopped in” (or so they thought but I knew better when Phil called to tell me). And as if that wasn’t cool enough, the day after that the gas guy showed up and saw that Phil had an excavator. He said, “Hey I see you are able to dig. If you want to dig the hole, I’ll cap off the gas right now and you don’t have to wait for us to come back with a machine to do it in five weeks.”
So yes, all three, done, within two days of those mad-woman wilderness prayers. People say all sorts of things, they might even give you a timeline. But God is the final judge. He is the one with the control and anyone who tries to make it seem like He’s not in control will probably end up looking foolish. He changes the circumstances regardless of the timeline because His timeline is best. Its easy to become a doubter and say negative things out loud when the world tells you one thing, but I know what my God has told me. And I know what He’s capable of. His timing wins. No matter what.
There have been several amazing testimonies like this that we have locked away in our hearts since purchasing this land, but it would take up your whole day if I tried to tell you all of it. The bottom line is that God is on the move. His presence is so thick surrounding this precious land and even though we push and push to get things moving, He is the one who will release everything at the right time. I’ve never had such peace about the Lord bringing something together the way He is doing so for this building project. It will be worth it in the end if we can trust Him and wait through this wilderness walk.
My prayer today is that God would fill every inch of our land with his Holy Presence and that His Peace would flood in like a tidal wave that never stops. I’ve been praying that every piece of lumber and every section of concrete would be blessed. I’ve been praying that the Lord would reign in our future home forever, and that it would be a place of peace, safety, love, and unity. But mostly, that it would be a place of worship. That the King who knows our names and loves us with no ulterior agenda would be constantly lifted up within our walls. That we would fight our battles on our knees in worship and prayer with the Lord yielding the sword instead of us.
Worship is something that is very close to my heart, especially since I first found out I was pregnant with Chase, our first child. Over him I prayed for a Heart of Worship during my whole pregnancy, and that he would be anchored in the Father’s Heart. I also prayed that he would be a joyful child and tagged on that it would be really cool if he would sleep well through the night. Boy did I get that. But now a girl is coming. A sweet little princess…at least I think that’s the right thing to say about upcoming girls. I wasn’t a sweet little princess growing up. More like a sneaky, misbehaving, dirt-faced, toad who would put war paint across my face and run through the trees after squirrels. So it begs the question, what am I going to pray over this little girl?
Many ideas swarmed my mind at first. I thought I would pray for a little missionary, or more specifically, a trailblazer, who would head into uncharted territory with the gospel! But that didn’t feel right. Then I thought maybe she was more the dreaming type, and I would pray for big dreams and maybe even add on a prayer for the gift of dream interpretation, along with wild visions as a prophetic painter! But that didn’t feel right either. Teaching/Pastoral? A leader? Walking in the prophetic? Filled with words of knowledge? Wisdom and Creativity? No, I don’t think so. I mean I would love for her to have all these things but there wasn’t one thing in particular that stood out. Nothing seemed right to me until the image of mountains came into my mind. Mountains. Mover of mountains.
Yes. That was it.
Instantly I knew that what I was going to be praying over this child was for supernatural faith. The kind of faith that will see the mountains moved. Our little mountain mover. Prayers flooded my mind for unshakeable faith, someone who would go to war until the mountains before her started to tremble. Yes, this was definitely it. A prayer warrior in my own home? Yes, please! There were a few other things too, like patience, which may have just been a result of dealing with Chase and his business for the past two years and hoping for a child that might end up being a little more relaxed (haha.) I’m so excited for this baby, to look into her little eyes and tell her how much I love her. I’m so excited to paint gold mountains on the walls of her bedroom, so that she always remembers what she is capable of. I’m so excited to see what she grows up to be like.
Thank you, Jesus, for bringing us through the wilderness, and thank you that we didn’t lose sight of your plans, your perfect timing, and your wisdom when it would have been easy to do so.
Sorry this got so long, but it’s been a while and I guess I had a lot to tell. This walk through the wilderness has been a long one. But I believe it’s God’s heart that everyone makes it to the promised land. So hang in there.